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My sleep hs been messed up over the last couple of days, and like most people would probably do, I hate it. I just want to sleep a full night. Last night I didn't sleep at all - not a freaking wink of sleep. Tonight I went to bed early and was awake about 2 hours later - and since then, I haven't been able to sleep again.

I tried making myself overly comfortable, eating warm food + a warm drink, meditative/relaxing thoughts, playing xbox in a monotonous way, watching TED talks, going on various websites... all of which generally put me to sleep. I... ugh.

I feel so tired. Maybe I should try again. Ugh. I felt like this earlier... nada. I hope my cat goes back to bed, because hi scratching around or zoomies really disturbs my sleep groove.

This has been one... well, bad week, but it has positive parts. I have only really seen the negative of this week, though. I was diagnosed with another comorbidity. The clinic cancelled my appointments and didn't explain why. My phone was disconnected. I lost my bank card.



I hate being sick, but I also... well, part of my illness thrives on itself. That part scares me a little. Today I walked to the store and back, a mere 600 metres, but still longer than I should be doing, while ill. Yesterday I jogged there. THAT was rather naughty of me. I was out of breath but didn't feel dizzy, or as if I was going to pass out, so I was encouraged by the fact that I jogged there... and now want to jog more. If it was warmer, I would be jogging a hell of a lot more, longer distances, until I physically could not do it any more.



I cooked couscous and ate it with rocket leaves, peas and a small amount of cheese. I ate less than half of the couscous and half of the cheese - I couldn't even make myself eat the 1/4ths of a cup of peas, so the remaining is in the fridge. I will try eat it tomorrow, some time.



I have... a lot of things to think about. I am giving myself until xxxx time to improve, before going and maybe doing more about this. I should probably see how I feel at this time, next week. It's sad to say, but... depending on how the week goes, I may or may not further my treatment. I am in a damned-if-do, damned-if-I-don't place.



If I lose more weight in the next couple of weeks, there is a few outcomes:

a) I cancel my appointments with everyone and continue losing weight, or attend and lie through my teeth... although they may see right through me, and weigh me, and take my general obs - BP, BGL, temp, HR and even... well, more invasive tests. Because that stuff doesn't lie.

b) I voluntarily hospitalise myself if I lose 6kgs within x amount of time, before the clinic gets their hands on me, and I am involuntarily admitted.

c) I try harder. But the harder I try, the more upset I get and I eventually end up flinging back into my illness. And that sucks.

d) ... I don't know.







I have been trying but also sabotaging my attempts, which is frustrating at best.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and be instantly better. Thinking on how I used to be, so carefree around things, it makes me intensely sad.

Two idiots have bitten me lately. Maybe I am... just not used to being a member with regular membership. Hm. Maybe it happens routinely for others. Who knows.





8 years on VR and I still think it is lazy.

COMMENTS

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Lethargy
23:01 Aug 20 2015

I can't stand it...and I'm not sure why, it just bothers me. And it's always people that I'd never speak to anyway.

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Lilithmae
23:01 Aug 20 2015

I get messages saying along the lines of "Grrrrrr I tried to bite you but you have it switched off". Yes I do, and the reason is if YOU want to make contact with ME, sending me a bite and expecting me to do all the talking just doesn't do it for me.

If I decide to initiate contact with someone I will message them and start conversation.

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Serenity
02:00 Aug 22 2015

Cancer made the feature and I think he made his site the way vampires would act, so far usually a vampire will not ask before biting and will bite who ever, the fact that he gave the premium members a chance to block it is a bonus.

When someone bites I only think one thing: someone is using Cancer's features to the fullest. Nothing more nothing else.I admit I do not reply to bites, lol I mean what would a vampire reply to a bite? bite back? lol it would become like some sort of bite war hehehe then again that could be actually funny.



I don't think its lazy to use what the creator of the site made, he programmed it to be use, not neglected.

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The 5% rational part of me, the part that still cares, it is cheering because I ate two meals and snacks today. The remaining 95%, the illness, is screaming at me, and has been screaming for over an hour.



I hate this, I hate this so much.

I decided to be a real, functioning person and... go to the cinema, watch a movie, buy some crappy food and a soda...

And I succeeded, mostly. I went to the cinema and watched a movie from a series that terrified me as a kid - Jurassic Park. I watched it the whole way through and it didn't scare me too much. That sounds so stupid given I am now 22, but those movies, and even Godzilla movies, or King Kong, they gave me night terrors.

I kind of enjoyed the new movie. It makes me think I may be able to handle the old ones, which I have never seen all the way through.



So I saw the new movie, and as I was late, I got soda and even cookies after. Go. Me.

Seriously. Go me. I wandered around the supermarket for 30 minutes and left with diet soda and cookies - 30 freaking minutes. But... I ate a cookie and even though it is diet soda... it is still something that people usually get when seeing a film.

I feel normalish.

Happyish.

I am proud of myself for sticking myself out of my comfortzone twice - I saw a movie I used to bw terrified of, and I ate a full-fat cookie. It was small - a white-choc covered Oreo, but maybe I will let myself have one later tonight, and maybe one tomorrow.

I am annoyed by the calorie content but... glad I am trying.



Look at me, trying. Go me.

COMMENTS

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Lilithmae
07:03 Aug 08 2015

Yayy go you, hunni!

Big steps for you there, well done :)

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Dakotah
12:08 Aug 08 2015

Best Journal Entry ever. Why you may ask? Because I can relate. I just knew that tucked away in some lab was/is the dna of the Raptor as a kid. I use to wonder as a kid Why make the meat-eaters? Sure, they're the 'cool' ones, but why? However, after seeing this movie too...my inner kid was disappointed. "We created a genetically engineered super killing abomination before nature for our children’s amusement park. HOW COULD WE HAVE POSSIBLY FORSEEN ALL THIS!?" awesome, for real. But I did just go with genetic hybrid dinosaurs eat everybody, sit back and enjoy. :)

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I am still in that mode. I tried. I figured sleep would help it... but it didn't. Sigh. I am disappointed. I hope it doesn't last the weekend - I've lost x already, this week.

I told them at the clinic, that I lost x. I said sorry, so many times. They reminded me that I shouldn't be saying sorry, because I am the one it affects - although they also said that it hurts them compassionately, because they see us struggle with an illness they are trying so hard to help with.



My housenate was listening to the radio and apparently there was a woman who had the same illness as I have, saying she was completely cured. It took 10 years of treatment.

Like the medical staff tell us, you are not "cured" - you are in recovery for the rest of your life, because majority of those with this will always have the thoughts assosciated with the illness, but they can choose to not act upon the thoughts.

They dislike people saying they were "cured" because sometimes people are upset that they still hve the thoughts, and they resume the actions, thinking they are a failure, and relapse. It gives an extremely unrealistic goal.

It is extremely hard to get to the point where no thoughts at all are present... to the point where I half believe that the person on the radio was lying.

1 in 10 people with AN die. Saying people can be "cured" sets unrealistic goals and... yeah. I agree with the nurses - it is harmful to say you can be cured.



I got exceedingly angry at housemate saying I could be 100% better. At the moment I am so not okay that it isn't funny. I know I may always have these thoughts - I am not setting my goal as being "cured" - mine is that the psychosis of AN won't run my life like it does now.

That is apparently a very sensible goal, and the most likely.

It's nearly 9pm and my sister still hasn't called me. I'm angry, because her bullshit business takes up so much of her time that she can't call her only sister and wish her a happy birthday. It sounds so petty, but I have been trying to talk to her for a couple of months now, and she just ignores me. I am sick, scared and trying to find more people to talk to about it, other than my boyfriend and close friends - and she doesn't reply.



I'm so unhappy with her. If she was as sick as I am, if she tried to reach out to me as much as I try for her, I'd fucking listen and try at least respond to messages.



She has no concept of how much it hurts.

For the last three days I have been feeling as if I have been steamrolled. I am so tired, and so overemotional. I have been crushed with loneliness as soon as my boyfriend goes to sleep and I hve been trying to fill the gaps by messaging old friends. I am... really missing my parents.

And my siblings.



I cannot wait to move.

It's my birthday. I don't really... I am a grump, to be fair. I got a magnificent book from my boyfriend, and I am 98% sure I am getting a flask from my housemate, which will be nice, as I have class tonight, and it's going to be freaking freezing.



I was considering getting some form of food that I can handle. Like buying it in public and trying to eat in public, like a normal, functioning human being.

I would like to say "I'll buy Chinese food" or something, but at $11-18 a box, high in calories, oil and fat, I am just not sure. It would also take me days to eat that one box, I wouldn't eat anything else, either, and really, even though the thought of the taste is nice, the emotional baggage that comes with it is not. It's not worth making myself sicker, just because I feel like I should do it. I may buy an array of vegetables and make a soup, or buy a tin of soup that I like. I may buy some cheap instant noodles and throw away 95% of the noodles, and make like... a soup. I could buy half a sub, but I'd pull the vegetarian patty out of it, and the salad, and just eat the patty and salad and throw the bread away. And being fair, I wouldn't even eat the whole patty.

I always leave 1/3rd of what I eat or drink.





I may be going out for tea with my housemate. She mentioned a place that apparently does amazing milkshakes, huge things in weird flavours, but they don't seem to make them in soy... but they DO sell types of tea that I haven't tried, and want to try, so I may get a cup of specific Japanese tea.

I was sick of being sick a couple of days ago, and now I am dealing with it. I am considering going outpatient next month, too, as next week is my last week.

I am hoping it will help.